You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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