I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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