threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He did a backflip because drugs
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
