the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
