You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
