Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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