Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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