and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
