Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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