Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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