I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
