my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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