i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
