I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
