when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
