You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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