it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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