i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
