I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
