Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
