I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Never joke about your clitoris.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize