That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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