No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
