I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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