I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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