I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
