John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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