grandma shit on top of the toilet
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
