and she was petting her beer can
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
