I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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