Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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