you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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