apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
