Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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