I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
