my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
