I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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