You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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