You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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