What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
