If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
