I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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