Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
