I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
