when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
pray to the hookup gods
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
