Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
