Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
