Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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