if only i could text you this smell
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
