my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
