I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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