Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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