I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
